I’m Basque, remember?” See, I told you she was Basque. “How do you know a word like cinematography? English is supposed to be your second language” The cinematography is excellent” she teased. “It’s called Big Titty Car Mechanic Cum Explosion and it’s really good. “So I’m doing all the hard work and you’re just masturbating to.” So, everything’s coming up Maria” she smiled, Basquely. And now you’re dealing with the McLean account and I’m watching porn. It was either that or deal with the McLean account.

Many of my future Abyss related issues stem from that scarecrow-looking arse-shepherd announcing lockdown. That blond buffoon was our Prime Minister, and that ‘sombrero’ was the number of cases of coronavirus pervading through our vulnerable population. Some blond buffoon, dishevelled like an old teddy bear, told us that we’d need to, and I quote, ‘flatten the sombrero’. And we were chatting on the phone a couple of days after lockdown had been announced. Like, you think you’d be able to speak English given that you guys invented it”Īnd this was what a phone conversation between me and Maria sounded like. This story starts where all good stories start. This is my story and I want it to start earlier. I really should have noticed it sooner.īut this story doesn’t start with me staring into The Abyss. I was having a right old gander at the bottom of my cereal and I realised something. It was not the first place you expect to find it, in all honesty, but times had been tough and the pandemic had really buggered up my feng shui. I first noticed The Abyss at the bottom of a bowl of cornflakes.

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